Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friday, September 28, 2007

Mommy Brain At Work

So, I was checking up on a friend's blog and just glanced at the list of topics listed in the sidebar as I was waiting for the page to go elsewhere and noticed that her name-Sarah-sounds a lot like one of her topics-sah/wah-if you said it outloud. Like she was born to be a mighty at home mommy. I am totally in mommy land this morning. I had like no sleep last night. I was so upset with my mom about the baby and some stuff that she thinks is necessary and I don't and the fact she asked Pony Gal-knowing full well that she would tell her-what the baby's name was when we have been very adamant that we didn't want anyone to know until he was born. For whatever reason I feel like all the special excitement of the moment is stolen in knowing, yes its a boy, yes his name is..., its like, well, he's out now, so who cares. I know that is ridiculous, but for me it has something to do with blind faith and just being enamored with the unknown. My mother on the other hand is exactly the opposite. It just made me feel sick last night. And then she got all serious with Pony Gal about him coming and being a big sister, and Pony Gal is ready. She knows what's going to happen. I think everyone forgets that for one she has seen the real anatomy of mommy. She has been at all visits. She has seen babies born on TV. She has also been a big sister before, when we had our foster placement, K. She's old hand at all this. We don't need to patronize. Nevertheless, my feelings were hurt because she KNEW what she was doing, but then downplayed it to seem like no big deal. And I LOVE surprises. I feel like they are what keeps life exciting and helps my faith in Christ grow as I am forced to trust Him in all situations. She felt it necessary to tell me that the baby has blonde hair. Grrrreat. This would seem like no big deal, but it is to me. For one, she hasn't been wrong about anything that has come to her via her prayer time with God. I love that she has that connection, but I personally don't care to know what is to come, even if it is the sex of the baby or the hair color or whatever. Yes, they seem like small things, and she has pretty good odds at getting them right whether she is good with the Big Guy or not, but nevertheless. The other issue is that I have my heart set on a baby that has some resemblance of my dad. I miss him so much, and it would be so awesome to look into his eyes or see his hair on my son everyday. That means dark hair, though. I am not a fan of blonde hair on boys. Don't know why. Yes my husband is blonde, and I think he is handsome and love him dearly. But I like dark heads. So to hear that (even though I love this little boy no matter what) oh, he's blonde, just ticks me off. I would rather find out in the bliss of the moment of meeting him than to have my mother, whom I am already ircked at, tell me she already knows.

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