Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Monday, May 9, 2011

Change and Age

You know, through the years I have always enjoyed change. I like to change paint colors, change arrangements in the garden, change recipes and menus, change places we camp. That was then, though. Apparently as I get older (I am not getting old by any means, just getting older or growing up a bit), I find that I am changing, and my stance on change has changed. Now, it seems I am not so fond of it, which is news to me.

I think really this has to do with a lot of major changes at once. We found we were expecting in February, we reunited with some family we had previously been estranged from (and were more than happy to be able to do so), we decided to remove all carpeting from the house and install real, hardwood flooring, which involves moving everything from the first floor to the basement and living there for awhile. We usually live down there in the summer to avoid using the air as it maintains an ambient temp all summer long. We do not, though, move everything we own down there. Just clothes, really.

With the advent of baby and moving clothes we are examining what life has been like the last five years and finding lots of changes that will make life easier and help us prepare for baby, but are big changes in the way things are around the house. Different uss for rooms, adding furniture, taking away furniture, painting rooms, moving plans for a library and office around. All that is starting to make me suffer mini-anxiety attacks like I have not dealt with for a very long time-though that is mostly due to the fact that I know my stressors and avoid them. It is just a lot to take in. The worst part is that I really am happy about what we're doing, and will love my "new" house, but in the meantime cannot handle the stress of it all.

On top of that I have my usual pregnancy worries and have been thinking a lot about running the farm at the best of my game, plus keeping a large house and homeschooling kids, plus starting over with another little blessing, and I think we will be making a few changes. I don't like to do things halfway, and I currently feel like that is where I am at with a lot of the farm stuff. I just have to decide how much to change, and any change anymore seems to be a difficult decision.

It will be interesting to see how these next few months play out. I am really looking to the small respites we get from camping every couple weekends. It gives me a chance to clear my head and separate from the chaos that is currently living on the banks of Sugar Creek, as much as I love it here. I need that refreshing...change and I are not getting along all that well these days, yet it is necessary, really, all of it, and it is going to take all the healthy coping skills I can muster to not break down over the summer.

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